And Baby Makes Trouble? ...Establishing, Preserving, and Rekindling Intimacy as Parents published in O magazine, June 2007   In a series of studies over 13 years, John Gottman Ph.D. and his researchers observed couples from the first few months of marriage through the birth of a child.   This year he announced that 67% of the couples in his studies experienced a drop in relationship happiness the first three years of a baby's life (and were twice as likely to divorce).   Gottman stresses that it's crucial for couples to tackle major marriage problems before the infant arrives.  Couples who did well became a team early on, he says.   The successful men were easy to spot:  they helped with housework and loved the way their pregnant wives looked (whereas supposedly funny comments like 'she's a whale' were a warning sign.  In his new book, And Baby Makes Three, Gottman teaches couples ways to improve their teamwork.   Reknowned child development author T. Berry Brazelton, M.D., is familiar with times when a child's behavior stresses her parents' relationship - usually when she is moving from one developmental stage to another.  When parents prepare for these phases, he says they do better together.    He also says that children naturally register their parents' reactions - for instance, Papa doesn't freak when I crawl to the stairs; Mama does - and when those responses contradict each other, children act out.   Most parents, though, don't realize that this conflict can start as early as nine months.   Like Gottman, Brazelton encourages couples to find a workable, united parenting style.   Marriage researcher James V. Cordova, Ph.D., has become haunted by a disheartening statistic:  50% of couples who finish marital therapy get better (and stay better), but the other half either do not improve or relapse.  "It's better than nothing, but not as good as we could be doing, says Cordova, an associate professor of psychology at Clark University in Worcester, Massachusetts.  The problem, he recognized, is that couples usually see a therapist when the relationship is already breaking down...   His team created the Marriage Checkup, a program he has tested twice before that's now part of a third major study being conducted over the next four years.  "We give the couples feedback, the way a doctor would from a blood test or an x-ray," Cordova says.  His early studies have shown that couples have reported a significant uptick in relationship satisfaction as well as higher intimacy levels.  He hopes to devise a program that can be replicated across the country, using local therapists to give the tests and feedback.     In the meantime, he recommends that couples ask themselves three questions every year:   Does my partner feel safe being emotionally vulnerable with me?   Does my partner feel accepted?   When I feel that life is yanking the rug out from under me, can I go to my partner for nonjudgemental support?   Answering no to even one can signal a fraying relationship.  Cordova also tells couples to avoid one very toxic behavior:  withdrawal.  "Talk - even confused, lost, sometimes frustrating talk - is always better. ________________________________________________________________ Get the books! And Baby Makes Three:  The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives, John Gottman Ph.D. and Julie Schwartz Gottman Touchpoints: Birth to 3 : Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development, Terry Brazelton MD Sweet Dreams : A Pediatrician's Secrets for Baby's Good Night's Sleep, Paul M. Fleiss MD (An attachment parenting oriented guide). Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children, Thomas Gordon MD. (A great book to spark conversations on values and culture that will help you unify a parenting philosophy, good preconception homework).