Imago Partnership

When two people fall in love, something profound is happening that goes far beyond
physical attraction, desire for companionship and even similarity of values and interests.
There is an activation of an unconscious agenda that began years ago, rooted in childhood
hurts and unmet needs. That agenda stated simply is this: We are all unconsciously
looking for a particular someone who will help us finish childhood, heal childhood wounds
and regain wholeness.

We believe this is Nature's plan for emotional healing. There seems to be built into the
natural order that nature consistently tries to heal itself. When there is a forest fire, nature
immediately begins healing the scar and replenishing the forest. When there is an oil spill,
nature begins a process that will eventually clean up the spill, though it may take 50 or
more years. And where there are emotional wounds, nature also begins a process of
healing. Just as surely as when you scratch your arm and a scab forms, infection is fought
and new skin is created, so where there are emotional wounds in childhood (damaged
egos, fears of rejection or abandonment, fears of being smothered or controlled, doubts
about competency, neglect etc.), there is set in motion an unrelenting drive for healing.

But since emotional wounds are invariably relationship wounds, emotional wounds can only
be healed in relationship--and in a particular kind of relationship. We can only be healed
by the one who wounds us or a very reasonable facsimile. We seem to be created so that
the human psyche will only accept emotional healing from someone similar to the one who
does the wounding.

There is in all of us an innate striving for wholeness and completion that requires the
selection of a mate that has the greatest potential for the healing of any childhood wounds
and the fulfilling of any unmet childhood needs. To accomplish this, each person needs to
be connected with someone who activates one's needs at the deepest level and who is
similar enough to the wounding parents to make healing possible. We emerge from
childhood with an internalized image (the Imago) of the people who have been most
important to us in our experiences of love and pain.

To accomplish this agenda of healing, we have to be connected to someone similar to the
wounding parents. But no one in their right mind would ever choose someone that had
similar negative traits of their wounding parents. Who would consciously look for a life
partner who is depressed, unavailable, distant and critical? It's as though Nature had to
find a way to get us connected and bonded to a person who would eventually be painfully
incompatible in very specific areas. As a solution, Nature created romantic love *.

Romantic love puts us temporarily on drugs **, suppresses our awareness of the negative
traits of our partner (love really is blind) and creates a great expectation of the fulfilling of
unmet needs and the healing of old wounds. We remain in this state until we are bonded
and hopefully married or committed.

Romantic Love is the way we get connected with someone who will eventually be
incompatible in very specific and significant ways...because that is the kind of person we
need for healing. Then after the wedding (or just being together for a time), the drugs wear
off, the bandages are ripped from our eyes and we to see other aspects of our
partners,e.g., depressed, critical, not available, unreliable, neglectful--remarkably similar to
negative traits in our parents. This is where most people bail out. They mistakenly conclude
that they have made a major selection error, failing to see that this is indeed part of a
natural plan for emotional healing.

Almost half of all married couples get a divorce somewhere in this power struggle phase.
And singles decide they have made a bad choice and move on to another relationship
where the cycle begins again. These are indeed tragic and for the most part unnecessary
choices.

There appears to be another factor in the selection process that makes this plan of nature
even more remarkable. Not only are we connected with someone who could be the most
powerful healer for us, we are also put with someone who will require us to grow in areas we
are deficient in so that we can be a healer for them. What one partner needs the most for
healing, the other is least able to give--until a part of the self that was repressed is
activated and character defenses are softened. As one partner stretches to heal the other,
he or she becomes more whole in the process.

If we learned to protect ourselves as children by suppressing the emotional side of our
self-functions, we will be put with someone who will require that we share our feelings at a
significant level for their own healing.

If we learned to be diffuse and emotional, we will be put with someone who will implore us to
become more rational or thoughtful.

If we found it was dangerous to reach out for contact or emotional closeness and became
quiet and distant, we will be attracted to someone who will need us to reach out for
emotional closeness in order for them to be healed, someone who will beg and demand us
to initiate contact.

If we learned as a child to be overly clinging or needy, we will be attracted to someone who
will ask us to give them space, respect their separateness and enjoy their freedom.

The good news is that when couples recognize what is happening in their selection of a
mate, decide to cooperate with the healing agenda, and enter into a process to accomplish
this, wonderful things begin happening. Wise therapists are now teaching couples how to
respond in healing ways, and in so doing are helping them to regain their own wholeness.

What is needed is a major reeducating of the American public so that singles and couples
do not circumvent the very plan for healing and wholeness that got them together in the first
place.

-Gary Brainerd

* "Anthropologists are now convinced that romantic love is universal and not a product of
particular cultures such as the western medieval culture. A survey presented at a session of
the American Anthropological Association in 1992 found romantic love in 147 cultures out of
166. What of the other 19? According to the organisers of the session, it is probable that
the anthropologists were just unable to recognise different variations of romantic behaviour
particular to these rare cultures." - Michel Odent MD in The Scientification of Love

** Phenylethylamine (PEA, a naturally occurring amphetamine substance in the brain),
Oxytocin (the "Love Hormone" produced by the pituitary gland) and various complex
neurotransmitters found in the smooth muscle of the heart and womb, as well as the
glandular system.

Recommended reading for couples is Dr. Harville Hendrix's "Getting the Love You Want."
This is the first public presentation of Imago Relationship Therapy.

Recommended reading for singles is Harville Hendrix's "Keeping the Love You Find." This
book represents one of the first in-depth preparation programs for committed relationships
available for singles.

To find an Imago therapist in your area look up www.Imagoworks.com