Meditations on Intimacy

New love is a rich time for the spiritual warrior. Not only are we
challenged to face our most primitive feelings of longing, hunger, love, loss, and fear, we are
challenged to welcome feelings of pure joy, ecstasy, sexual pleasure, and bliss. Many
people are afraid of expansive energy washing through their body, cracking the boundaries
of their limitations, exposing them to the vastness of all they are. If you allow yourself to feel
this energy you will be richly rewarded. You will find a tender spot in your heart that allows
you to embrace all human experience and to love...

Make me sweet again. Fragrant and Fresh and Wild. And thankful for any small event.
- RUMI

If we can realize that everything is made of one energy - our hearts, bodies, minds, thoughts,
emotions, feelings, hurts - it will be easier to jump into the spiritual fire. Nothing is better or
worse than anything else. It's all part of the cosmic energy, the WHAT IS of life... How on earth
do we go from our conditioning to becoming an open-hearted lover? Physical
lovemaking is messy, juicy, smelly, rowdy, funny - there's always an extra arm. If we are open
to the power and humor of lovemaking, it expands our energy from our toes to the roots of
our hair.

The spiritual warrior hides from nothing. We jump into the fire, we dive into the ocean...
Surrender actually makes us feel safe, because there is nothing left to hide. When we are
open and unafraid, we cease being half-hearted with each other. Our words and eyes
freely convey I delight in your company. I care for you. We release ourselves
from the misery of holding back and playing it safe.

In the process of opening ourselves, old childhood feelings may be laid before us. Suddenly,
we feel like a hurt three-year-old. We want to cling. We start worrying, we get scared, forget
our responsibilities, and churn with anxiety.

Our growth begins when we realize we are facing parts of ourselves that
have always been there. It's not the relationship, it's not the other person. No one
made us feel that way, they simply touched a place in us that was not clear... Don't be
afraid. You've thrown a log on the spiritual fire. You've hit an edge, now sit with it, don't run
away, don't eat a cookie, don't go shopping. Sit down and simmer. Breathe. Be gentle,
make friends with that part of you... In our adult state we seek a partner or spouse as a lover,
helpmate, friend, and companion on the spiritual journey. In our child state, we want
someone to rescue us, make us feel important, and provide security, comfort, or a sexual
high...

Interestingly, according to Paul Pearsall, author of Sexual Healing, the biochemical response
to constant infatuation, being "in-love," or seeking a sexual high without an authentic
personal connection leads us to produce large amounts of epinephrine, which creates
chronic autonomic agitation or feelings of restlessness and nervousness. This, in turn, can result
in irritability, fatigue, and the breakdown of the immune system, leading to chronic anxiety
and depression. Pearsall writes, "Hot reactive sex followed by cool feelings of regret or
loneliness can eventually teach our immune system to be as disconnected as we have been
in our intimate decisions."

On the other hand, when we create a mindful, loving, personal connection with another,
and we are sexually attracted to that person, our bodies produce the hormone oxytocin,
which contributes to feelings of intense closeness, trust, and sensual feelings. Oxytocin is the
same hormone that is secreted when a mother nurses her baby. According to Pearsall, "it's
the neurochemical of intimate connection that also helps balance the imMune system." It
takes considerable periods of time in a growing, reciprocal, loving union for our bodies to stop
creating an epinephrine high and secrete oxytocin instead, which means that many
people never have the experience of intense intimacy.

When we combine the knowledge of our biochemistry with our spiritual knowledge, we can
see that what is good for our spiritual journey is good for our relationships and for our immune
system. There is no separation between the three. It's as if our bodies are begging us to love
well, use our intelligence, and be wise in our choices.

Staying conscious doesn't preclude the euphoria of an inner tremor when your beloved
comes through the door, or the pure joy of spending time together. It means your excitement
exists alongside your fears and vulnerability... You partner with someone as they are this
moment. The vitality can remain if you adventure forth, side by side, savoring the moment to
moment shifts and changes that inevitably arise as you both stay open to the journey. We
need to look at each other anew every day, with clear eyes and an open mind so we see
the person of today, not an image from the past.