Moving_In_the_Right

Moving In Together
Could Be Hazardous for Your Relationship:
Setting Up House in the Right Direction
by
Martha Beck Ph.D.
originally published in O Magazine, June 2005

Most of us can spin a reasonably compelling romantic fairy tale. We know how to
set up the plot (handsome hero meets beautiful heroine, etc.). And we know just
the moment to say “The End”: when the lovers, from Beauty and her Beast to
Cinderella and her Prince, are about to shack up. That’s the point where
enchanted love grinds into the gritty annoyances and daily drudgery of human
cohabitation.

This is true not only when we’re telling a story but also when we’re living it.
Entranced by true love’s dazzling combination of hormones and ignorance, we
may commit to sharing a home with our beloved before we’ve thought through
the consequences. If you’re considering moving in together, you may want to
push your imagination some distance beyond the usual happily ever after.

Love can conquer many a romantic hiccup that arises after move-in, but only if
you take a few key precautions.

1. Pledge allegiance to red flags.

No, I’m not suggesting you turn communist. By red flags I mean the uneasy
feeling that there’s something fundamentally wrong with your relationship. I
know several clients who’ve moved in with partners in order too silence just such
hunches. Two, ten, 30 years later, as I’m helping them process the inevitable
breakup, I ask, “When did you see the problems?” Almost invariably, they
respond, “On our second date’ or "The week we met” or some other
astonishingly early moment in their relationship.

Research suggests that we can sense red flags in someone else’s marriage after
watching a troubled couple interact for just a few minutes. Turning this intuition
to ourselves, we can scout for scarlet banners in our love lives – before, not after,
moving in together.

Pay particular attention to what psychologist John Gottman calls the four
Horsemen of relationship apocalypse: withdrawal, criticism, defensiveness, and,
above all, contempt. If these elements characterize your relationship – through
exchanges like “ do you have to be such an idiot?” “Only because you have to be
such a b**ch” – you might want to hang on to that loft-for-one. Thinking you can
solve basic interpersonal problems by moving in together is like trying to
transform a rabid pit bull into a love pup by stapling its tail to the parlor floor.
You’ll still have a big angry mess on your hands – only now you’ll be living with it.

2. Articulate your assumptions.

I remember eating at a friend’s house when I was young and noticing that her
family owned bizarrely large, abnormal spoons – I other words, spoons that
weren’t exactly like the ones at my house. To me, our spoons were normal, the
definition of What Spoons Should Be. Most of us outgrow such prejudices as we
gain experience, but even tolerant people retain a surprising number of untested
assumptions shaped by life experience.

The old toothpaste tube conflict is a cliché for a reason: All couples have slight-to-
serious differences in their beliefs about what is “normal.” From doing laundry to
dealing with stress, we tend to think that our way is THE way. It isn’t possible to
resolve all these clashing assumptions (or even anticipate them) before shacking
up. But you and your mate can discuss the fact that undiscovered prejudices will
emerge, and have a system in place for dealing with them.

Agree too discuss at least four options whenever styles conflict: my way, your
way, our way, or both ways. For instance, suppose your impoverished childhood
taught you to reuse aluminum foil, while your mate’s family just threw it away. If
you and your partner are pinching pennies, you may decide that reusing is a
fabulous idea (your way). If you become prosperous, you may decide to pitch
your used foil (his way). If this feels wasteful, you could adopt a new custom by
recycling (our way). Or you can simply agree to disagree, giving him permission
to toss used bits of foil while you treasure them like the Dead Sea Scrolls (both
ways).

3. Decide who wears which pants when.

Among the myriad assumptions that make cohabitating problematic, there’s a
category so confusing and volatile that it deserves special attention. I’m talking
about gender roles, the expectations about the respective responsibilities of each
partner in any given relationship. In our culture, traditional divisions between
“what men should do” and “what women should do” have been destabilized by
massive ideological and economic trends, creating domestic conflicts in the process.

These days there’s no rule book for divvying up labor at work and at home.
Modern women, as well as men, may wear the pants in the family – but no one’s
really sure who wears which pants when. Do you assume you’ll march off to
work in snappy business trousers while your mate dons sweats and scrubs the
kitchen floor? Does your partner expect to lounge about while you’re out there
punching the clock? The expectations about who does what work – both at home
and outside – run bone-deep for most people. (By the way, I see the same
contradictory demands in gay couples, each partner vying for the aspects of
gender roles they most prefer). Unless your assumptions are a perfect match for
your partner’s (not likely), they can create serious rifts when you begin living
together.

You and your partner need to talk about the division of labor in your prospective
household. Domestic and professional responsibilities often conflict, which means
you BOTH might be overburdened. Can you decide now who wears the required
pants for virtually every task involved in managing your household: cooking,
cleaning, calling the plumber, working overtime to pay for new fridge? Figuring
out who tackles which role may take a lot of start-up time, but believe me, it can
save you enormous long-term conflict. To do it right, though, you’ll need some
training in negotiation.

4. Negotiate needs, not positions.

In the rosy glow of fairy-tale romance, it seems impossible that you and your true
love will ever have serious differences. Moving in together will dissolve that little
illusion as fast as you can say “What the heck are you doing with my CD
collection?” You can avoid ruining a relationship if you have one negotiation
skill: addressing needs rather than positions.

To illustrate what I mean, here’s a classic. Two schoolmates are sitting in the same
room, trying to study but arguing instead. One student wants the window open;
the other insists that it must be closed. Just before they come to blows, a teacher
asks the students a simple question: What’s the reason for each one’s position?

“I need fresh air,” says the open-window advocate.

“But the wind is blowing my paper around!” complains his opponent.

The teacher suggests opening a window in the next room, which lets in air
without creating a breeze. Presto, everyone’s happy. This simple strategy has
helped many of my clients smooth out relationship wrinkles. For example, Benny
loved to eat out; his girlfriend, Meg, always wanted to stay home. They argued a
lot about this issue. I asked Benny why he wanted to go out. “I like ethnic food,”
he said. Meg’s concern was that they couldn't afford restaurant meals. Once they
identified their objectives, it took Meg and Benny only minutes to dream up a
weekly date, when they’d pick a menu from an ethnic cookbook, then shop, cook,
and eat together. Working from why – rather than repeating what you want – is
one of the quickest ways that I know to short-circuit arguments like this.

5. Avoid tunnel (of love) vision.

It takes time and effort to establish a workable live-in love. But don’t let the
exciting, tumultuous process of setting up a house distract you from your
nonromantic relationships. Couples who focus too completely on each other may
become enmeshed, develop what I've taken to calling tunnel-of-love vision, and
abandon friends, family, and private time. No matter how engrossing your new
living situation may be, this is a bad idea. Sustaining a happy domestic life
requires a resilient support system. And maintaining that network is imperative,
by either spending a few minutes every day in peaceful solitude or having coffee
with friends. You’ll be in a much better position to handle a career crisis, the
death of your goldfish, or a near-lethal PMS shift without stressing your new
roomie beyond all human endurance.

It’s true that the territory beyond moving in together, beyond The End, is less like
a fairy tale than early courtship. The sequel tends to sound less exciting and more
mundane, its themes increasingly subtle and complex. It requires attention to our
intuition, careful expression of confusing emotions, skillful communication, and a
good deal of consistent daily work. The story of a contented life together is
frankly less fun to tell than the uncertain adventure of finding love. On the other
hand, it’s much more fun to live.

Want an honest and long-lasting relationship? Make sure you and your partner
can recite these five statements which are the polar opposites of what most
Americans see as loving commitment:

I Can Live Without You, No Problem

"I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." The emotion that fuels this
kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but
over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs. If this is how you feel,
don't start dating. Start therapy. Counseling can teach you how to get your needs
met by the only person responsible for them: you.

"I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love.

My love For You Will Definitely Change

Most human beings seem innately averse to change. Once we've established some
measure of comfort or stability, we want to nail it in place so that there's no
possibility of loss. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to
scuttle a relationship than shore it up.

The reason is that everything—and everyone—is constantly changing. We age,
grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight, find new interests and
drop old ones. Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will vanish.
The opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is
virtually indestructible

You're Not Everything I Need

I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their
romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is
the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live
in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills. Trying to get all this
input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only
ice cream. When a couple believes "We must fulfill all of each other's needs, each
becomes exhausted by the effort to be all things to the other and neither can
develop fully as an individual.

Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually
supporting each other's personal growth does.

I Won't Always Hold You Close

There's a thin line between a romantic statement like "I love you so much, I want
to share my life with you until death do us part" and the lunatic-fringe anthem "I
love you so much that if you try to leave me, I'll kill you." People who say such
things love others the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, wrap
them in immobilizing fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish
moments. This is not the kind of love you want.

The way you can tell real love from spider love is simple: Possessiveness and
exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas true love is based on
setting the beloved free to make his or her own choices.

You And I Aren't One

Perhaps you are neither a spider nor a fly, but a chameleon who morphs to match
the one you love. Or you may date chameleons, choosing partners who conform to
your personality. Either way, you're not in a healthy relationship. In fact, you're
not in a relationship at all.

If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific
love for two can be in practice. Follow your heart in a direction your partner
wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're
accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as
you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love
an actual person.